Shipping Wars
by L.A.EMLA
Summary: Just how crazy can Shipping Wars get? Ask Ichigo and Rukia! Because our lovable Death and Berry are caught riiiight in the middle of one…


Note to Readers: Hi! Just to let you know English is not my first language so expect grammar mistakes. Also, as a newbie author, this has no beta. So BEWARE of randomness and OOC-ness!

Disclaimer: I do (k)not own Bleach.

…

Prologue

"Eat this bitch!" Is it ironic, that after 15 years of surviving Bleach, he was going to die by the hands of a crazy unstable fan? Ichigo Kurosaki certainly thought so. 15 years of fighting hollows, shingami, Arrancars, and diabolical Quincy's only to be done in by a five foot psychotic IchiRuki fan. _Embarrassing._ As he dived to avoid the spray of bullets, he couldn't help but shout to the petite raven haired woman at his side, "We're gonna die!"

Earlier that day…

"We're in the wrong place you idiot!" Ichigo's left eyebrow ticked in rapid succession. He was hot. He was tired. He was contemplating the different ways to murder-

"This certainly explains why you suck at sensing reitsu. You Ichigo have a lousy sense of direction." Ichigo is about to pop a blood vessel. His hands shook from the need to throttle-

"If your fan girls only knew just how helplessly dumb you are. Not only in Bleach but outside of the manga script too." Ichigo is sure he's having a brain heart attack. All he needed to do to end his misery was to…

THUMP!

"Ichigo! It there! It's right there!" As Rukia Kuchiki raced to bunny paradise, the last thing on her mind was helping her orange haired companion twitching on the concrete sidewalk. In her excitement to reach Chappy nirvana she took no notice when she forcefully rammed her elbow into Ichigo's crotch, eliciting a pain filled squeak from the citrus head.

"Che…", Ichigo hissed through gritted teeth. He watched with blurry narrowed eyes as the dark haired midget nearly tore the door away in her haste to get to the nearest rabbit plush. Damn Yuzu and Karin for mentioning the Chappy store to Rukia. If they hadn't, he wouldn't be kissing the pavement right now.

"Dammit. Gotta get in there before she buys the whole damn store." With that spine shuddering thought in mind, Ichigo was off to reign in Rukia's obsession with bunnies.

20 minutes later…

"Put it back." A male growl was issued.

"No." A female hiss retaliated.

"Put…it…back Rukia." The moment Ichigo entered the bunny themed store he knew he was going to need a hail marry pass to keep Rukia from bankrupting him out of house and home. Not only was EVERYTHING bunny related, but apparently cost a fortune too. Hence the predicament they were in right now, with Ichigo on one end tugging away at an expensive Chappy silk bed sheet and Rukia on the other standing firm.

"Ummm, can I be of assistance mam, sir?" Both Rukia and Ichigo halted their tug of war to glare heatedly at the short brown haired teen who dared to come near the arguing pair. What they hoped was their best 'fuck-off we're having a fight right now' expression glued to their faces.

"OH MY SWEET MOTHER OFF…" Instead of cowardly running away like the pair expected her to, the doe-eyed store assistant with the tag-name 'Alice' on her shirt only starred bug eyed at them.

"No way…" Alice huffed. "You can't be…there's no way you can be?" Ichigo, who was closer to the girl, narrowed his eyes to get a better look at the girl…and felt them widen. _Oh shit._

For popular manga stars, there was nothing more frightening than a crazy devoted fan. The possibility of getting mobbed, kidnapped, or murdered with admiration was higher for them than any other part of the entertainment business.

"Ahhh! No way no way no way. It's really you guys! My OTP are right here in front of me?!" Both Ichigo and Rukia sweat dropped. _We're fucked._

Forget crazy devoted fan. Ichigo and Rukia have learned a long time ago that when the acronym's OTP fell from anyone's mouth, their first priority and their only priority was to just get the fuck away! A crazy fan was one thing; an honest to God shipper was impending doom.

"I never thought I'd see you guys together. I mean, when Bleach ended IchiHime and RenRuki everyone was sure that was cannon from now on!"

"Uhhhhh, well you see…" Ichigo thanked God Rukia was with him. If there was anyone who could keep an eager shipper at bay, it was her. He just hoped the star-stricken girl wouldn't notice how he and Rukia were slowly inching towards the door.

"As you know, Bleach ended about five months ago. So everyone is free to go their separate way and do their own thing." Rukia couldn't have asked for a worse companion right now. Why, the coward was already halfway to the door! No doubt bolting like a scared little girl the minute he got out.

Alice was on cloud nine. Ever since Bleach ended, she and her best friend slash fellow IchiRuki shipper were on a freight train of depression and tears and binge eating to stave away the utter heartbreak that accumulated from Kazui Kurosaki's smiling face. But now…

"Wait…if you're free to do whatever you want…than that could only mean one thing?" Ichigo and Rukia braced themselves for the explosion. "HOLY SHIT! You guys are Bleach's OTP!"

Ichigo really hoped that that wasn't a maniacal gleam he saw in the store assistant's eyes. "YESSSSSSS! TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL! Even a shit face ending!" Ichigo winced at the high pitch squeal. Really…did no one care that they defeated Ywach?

Occupied with her celebratory dance, Alice didn't notice Ichigo and Rukia's scramble to freedom until…

"Get a grip will you? Man, IchiRuki shippers are so PATHETIC." Ichigo and Rukia froze just as Alice turned to glare at another store assistant who was leaning against the door, a large duffel bag slung casually on one shoulder.

"Mai.", Alice uttered in a growl. Said strawberry blonde only smirked at her dwarf co-worker. To be honest, Mai was very happy too. However, if Orihime were here she'd be more ecstatic. "Seriously Alice, IchiHime have a son together. You can't get more cannon than that."

 _Oh Cami no_...Ichigo realized in horror. "Rukia", he whispered to the midget by his side, "We need to make a break for it now!" Rukia gave the slightest nod, acknowledging Ichigo's great idea. Their situation was getting dire by the minute. There is nothing more life endangering than getting caught between two opposing ship.

Click.

Oh fuck no…

"Umm, Rukia did she just lock the door?" Ichigo hissed. A single nod was all she could manage when Rukia's-and Ichigo's-attention was drawn to the brunette on the other side of the store when both heard a very…sharp…

FLICK.

"Tell me Mai." Alice purred; voice low and dangerous as she ran her fingertips lightly over her favorite black steel combat knife. "How long do you and your ship plan on using that single lousy chapter as proof that IchiHime exists? I have to say, if that's all you got to go on than you need to reevaluate your opinion on who's actually the pathetic ship here."

"Oh please…" Mai huffed. "Chapter 686 is NOT the only proof that IchiHime exists."

Alice watched with narrowed eyes as her blonde 'co-worker' unzipped her duffel to pull out a very sharp, very jagged meat cleaver. She came prepared? Well, that's good otherwise she'd wasted her time hulling everything she brought with her to work. Without a single glance towards her OTP, she made her way to the cashier's counter, where her 'stash' was kept.

"Is that right? You know, Orihime's unhealthy obsession with Ichigo doesn't count."

Ichigo's eyes nearly toppled out of his head when the short IchiRuki shipper pulled out a machete from behind the counter. Why oh why did he and Rukia not come prepared? Who thought a simple shopping routine to a bunny store would lead to a blood path?

"How dare you! What Orihime feels for Ichigo is true love!" Mai's eyes flashed as she laid her meat cleaver on a self near her…just to pull out a rusty crowbar. "At least she admitted her love to Ichigo, which is more than I can say for your ship."

A maniacal crackle of laughter had the other three occupants turning their heads towards the brunette. "That's it, a one sided love confessed when the other was dead asleep? Mai, even Orihime herself admitted that she couldn't see herself reflected anywhere in Ichigo's eyes." Wide amber and violet eyes watched as Alice laid her machete next to her combat knife in order to reach for a metal bat.

Mai frowned, no way was she about to be out-talked by an IchiRuki. "Yah right if that's true, then why did Ichigo attack Ulquiorra when he revealed that he was the reason why Orihime was in Hueco Mundo, instead of going to Rukia?" Satisfied with her comeback, Mai proceeded to pull out the kunai she 'borrowed' from a friend.

"Who wouldn't attack the reason why they were in such a Cami forsaken place anyway? But thanks for bringing that up. Because if you haven't noticed, for someone who sucks at sensing reitsu, Ichigo was pretty quick on picking up the change in Rukia's when she was fighting that Espada, Aaroniero."

Ichigo refused to meet Rukia's eyes even when he felt the curious violet gaze on his face…funny, he never did mention that to her.

Mai couldn't help the eye roll she gave her hobbit co-worker…who was busy pulling out…was that GERNADES?!

Shit.

"You know what?" inquired Mai. "You can throw all the 'evidence' you want at me. But my ship still has one thing that yours never will."

"Oh really and what's that?" Alice mockingly asked.

"A cannon ending!"

THUD.

Ichigo and Rukia barely dived out of the way before a set of poison darts swished pass their bodies and embedded themselves into the concrete wall where Alice's head was at moments before.

"I couldn't give two shits about your 'cannon ending'!" Alice flipped her blond co-worker off before her combat knife whizzed past Mai, missing her shoulder by a hair's length.

"That's because you and your ship can't accept the truth. IchiHime is the OTP!" With a flick of Mai's wrist, two kunai flew out towards Alice, who spouted all sorts of profanity as she dove behind the counter to avoid the ninja tools.

While the two store assistants continued in their battle of 'metal throwing'-for the lack of better words- Ichigo and Rukia seriously considered what to do next. From the low self they took shelter behind, Ichigo and Rukia could do little more than watch as a bat flew out from behind the counter to catch the IchiHime shipper right in the stomach.

"Damn it Rukia, we have to do something before they kill themselves AND us!" hissed a freaked Ichigo. Rukia rolled her eyes, when he said 'we' it usually translated to 'her' doing something and him running away.

By nature, Ichigo was a prude. That hasn't changed in the 15 years of Bleach, or after. So when he started to acquire eager-and often handsy- fans Ichigo had two natural reactions: punch or run. It was just unfortunate for them that the lunatic fans they were dealing with right now were not only female, but females with very voluminous curves.

In other words, big boobs freaked Ichigo.

"RUKIA MOVE!" Large callous hands wrapped themselves around Rukia just as a stray kunai sank into the Chappy sailor that was as of a second ago…

Behind Rukia's head.

"ENOUGH!" roared a very angry strawberry. Both Alice and Mai froze as the air in the store became heavy and almost unbearable to breath. There was absolutely no mistaking the anger-or protectiveness- behind the dangerous reitsu overflowing in waves from the citrus head. The sight before them had Alice screaming like a fan-girl (that she was), and Mai rolling her eyes at her co-worker's antics.

Rukia herself was sporting a light pink blush on her cheeks as she was still caged under one of Ichigo's arms. Violet eyes watching the strawberry warily as he in turn glared at the two store assistants from behind their low shelf. "Ichigo…" Rukia cautioned. The last thing she needed was for the idiot to land them in a deeper hole than they were in already.

"Enough…" Ichigo echoed. Apparently he was going to ignore Rukia's warning tone. "The hell is wrong with you two? All this shit is ridiculous! Bleach ended like five months ago and your still acting all salty over It." he bellowed.

Alice felt a slight knot form in the pit of her stomach at Ichigo's angry retort. For sure, his biting remarks were aimed especially at her.

"So what if I ended up in Bleach with Orihime. What's the big deal? We defeated Yhwach, Rukia and I had a kid each and we lived happily ever after. In the end, can't Bleach be remembered for the moments that matter most? Can't Bleach be remembered for the battles we fought to protect the ones we love? Or the lessons we didn't want to learn or the fates we couldn't accept but did because we had to? Can't Bleach be remembered for what it was AND is, instead of what could have been or should be?"

"Look..." Ichigo faced the blonde. "You got what you wanted. IchiHime happened. But somehow that doesn't seem to be enough for you. And if it isn't… Then maybe you need to ask yourself why, even after Bleach ended IchiHime, you still feel the need to justify your ship. Instead of harassing IchiRuki shippers who have a right to their own ship and can actually justify it through several points."

Mai somehow felt slightly offended…but was at a loss for words it seemed.

"And you." Ichigo addressed the brunette. "If you're any kind of IchiRuki fan you should realize that one short chapter doesn't change what I and Rukia have. Our bond can never be broken; not by time, not by distance, and not by death. Fine, IchiHime is the Bleach cannon ending, well congratulations to them. But as an IchiRuki fan, you should know deep down that Bleach is Ichigo and Rukia's story. Bleach IS Ichigo and Rukia, and everyone else who made it special."

A sniff from the petite store assistant had Ichigo pausing in his rant. The brunette obviously wanted to say something.

"I know." Large tears fell from Alice's eyes. "It's just that we feel cheated somehow, you know? We waited 15 years for that IchiRuki ending, but instead got a fart ending that wasn't even worth the 15 years of Bleach."

Both Ichigo and Rukia felt a blood vessel tick. Fart ending? Apparently these people didn't appreciate the fact that they almost died multiple times. MAYBE if they were the ones stabbed, trampled on, blasted through, and thrown around like a ragged doll, than they just MIGHT appreciate the ending better.

Ichigo heaved a tired sigh as he watches the midget shop assistant openly crying now. Evidently she need some form of comfort. "If it matters that much to you, having an IchiRuki ending, than you should know that Rukia and I have been happily married for five years now. "

"…."

"…."

…The fuck?

The silence was deafening. Gone were the annoying sniffs, replaced by open gapping mouths and jaws hanging from the floor. A pin drop would have been heard in the ensuing silence until…

"MARRIED?!"

"MARRIED!"

"Way to go Ichigo." deadpanned Rukia. Here it was the thing she was afraid the idiot would blurt out. Really, did he not understand how unstable these two women were? Talk about lighting an explosion under a dying fire…

"WHAT…THE…FUCK!" Mai was just getting over the mind fuck she just received. "Married? You're married to Orihime for crying out loud! You-you guys have a SON!"

Alice was a bit slower and was still struggling with her own mind fuck. "Bu…bu…wait…The kids. Didn't Tite Kubo MEANT for you and Orihime and Rukia and Renji to be together? Isn't that why you guys had Kazui and Ichika, to continue on the IchiRuki connection?"

Rukia tried to knee Ichigo's side while being inconspicuous about it, but her struggles and small hisses of warning fell on death ears. The strawberry was still digging them a bigger hole.

"Look I don't know why Bleach's creator wrote anything that way or the reason why it ended with a certain pair and what not. But those 'things' are not a water down version of Rukia and I. I mean sure they look like us, but if you were paying attention to the manga, then you'd notice that they don't behave like us at all."

Mai screamed, "THINGS?" While Alice pondered out what Ichigo said.

He was right; Kazui and Ichika were perfect combinations of IchiHime and RenRuki. But…when Ichika and Kazui met, they acted…more like ORIHIME AND RENJI! Ichika was all confident and cocky like Renji while Kazui was sweet and dopey like Orihime. Wait the minute…

"THINGS?"

Ichigo was seriously regretting his choice of words. No, scratch that he was seriously regretting opening his big mouth. Under his arm Rukia repeatedly face palmed at the surge of hysteria emanating from the two female. Leave it to Ichigo to cause pandemonium by trying to help stop something terrible from happening. Damn it, this might just be worse than the time he attacked the Soul King instead of pulling out Yhwach's sword.

"What he means," Rukia explained, "is that the main purpose for their creation was the last chapter. Kazui and Ichika are actually Gigai's modeled after the four of us with mod-souls encoded with our DNA and reitsu to ensure the correct corresponding traits."

"…."

"…."

"Uhhh…Rukia I don't think that helped, at all." Ichigo eyed the two assistants cautiously, wondering on who would snap first.

"I FEEL SO CHEATED!" wailed Mai. "HOW could you do this to us?" the blonde roared. "Gigais…freaking gigais?! We deserve so much BETTER!"

CRASH!

The machete did short work of the rare Chappy collectable it impaled. A maniacal laugh had Ichigo and Rukia searching for a better shelf to hide behind.

"Better?" croaked Alice. "You GOT a cannon ending. We got a watered down version of IchiRuki that SURPRISE don't even act like our OTP. Fucking Kubo screwed SCREWED us over twice and you feel CHEATED?"

Click.

"Wait!" shouted Rukia.

Too late! Wide eyes watched as a single sting grenade sailed through the air toward Mai, who had the sense of batting it away with her crowbar…

...To land on Ichigo's head.

"Rukia! RUKIA! Get it OFF!" With reflexes befitting a soul reaper, a slim hand grasped the miniature killing mechanism and flung it with all its strength out the back window and into the abandoned alley.

BOOOMMM!

…went the stinger grenade, producing rubber balls and shrapnel that ricocheted all over the alley.

"Well shit, that was an _actual_ sting grenade." Ichigo breathed, locking eyes with Rukia. But of course, if the owner was crazy enough to carry around a knife, machete, and a metal bat…why not an active grenade?

"Why you SKANK!" Mai yelled. How dare that midget endanger her life? That's it, time for retaliation. Hurling her crowbar at the midget, Mai rummaged through her bag for more weapons.

Alice barely felt the sting as the crowbar grazed her left arm. So maybe the sting grenade was a bit too much. Good thing she didn't throw the concussion grenade first. But knowing the blond monkey, she'd be mad only because she didn't think of it herself. What she needed was to get her trump card out, the thing that'll blast this round in her favor. After all, she was fighting for the honor of HER ship.

Ichigo and Rukia watched dumbly as the two store assistants each dive through their things in search for what they needed to settle the score. These people are CRAZY! If anything, these women seemed even more determined to kill each other! What ever will they do?

"Rukia, we gotta do something?" muttered Ichigo.

"Like telling them we were married?" Ichigo cringed at his wife's over sarcastic tone. Okay true, revealing their relationship was the worst idea ever. But…in his defense he wasn't thinking strait at the moment. Who would when the person they love was mere seconds away from being pinned in the head by a ninja tool?

"Ichigo, if we ARE going to intervene it has to be now. I think they both found what they were looking for."

Not waiting for any more action to unfold, Ichigo leapt from behind the shelf with his arms spread wide to stand between the two assistants, hoping against hope that they listen.

"Stop!" Hearing Rukia's soft thud as she leapt next to him was what kept Ichigo's nerve. Especially faced with two crazy people carrying what looked like a Gatling gun…and was that a ROCKET LAUNCHER?!

Curious as to what the citrus head had to say, both Alice and Mai froze in silent stalemate.

Ichigo sucked in a bout of air, "You-you don't have to do this. Both of you." He finished lamely.

Shit.

He got nothing.

As it turns out, staring at the barrel of a Gatling gun was QUITE frightening.

That left about two things to do.

First was to grab his wife and run for it, hoping that they'd be too surprise by the sudden change of tactic to do anything before they were out the door.

Second, kiss his wife because this just might be the last time he would get the chance.

To say that Rukia was surprised when her husband's lips came crashing down on hers, was an understatement. She was downright horrified! What was the stupid berry doing?!

"Kawaii!" Alice was currently jumping over the moon. Hands spread wide and yelling weepie to the stars.

Mai was pulling her jaw from the floor, currently trying to erase the scene she was witnessing from her IchiHime faithful mind. "Could this DAY get any WORSE!"

Wiping out her rocket launcher, Mai proceeded to break up the nightmare that was currently corrupting her brain.

BOOOM!

And fall over from the recoiling of the discharged weapon.

Rukia froze mid-way through the punch she was currently delivering against her husband's jaw, not sure if that was a rocket shell…

BOOOOM!

Luckily, Mai had a rather poor aim. So instead of blowing Alice to bits, it ricocheted to the very far left and blasted the back wall of the store into oblivion.

The blast propelled Alice, Ichigo, and Rukia forward and closer to a struggling Mai.

"YOU!" roared Alice. Her pointer finger aimed at Mai as she bounced onto her feet, not the bit phased by nearly being parted into pieces by a rocket launcher.

"How DARE YOU!" Cocking her Dillion Aero's M134D-H mini-gun, Alice leveled it comfortably on her body and took aim.

"SHOOT…" maniacal gleam back in her eyes as she clicked off the safety.

Ichigo almost cried at how his day was going. He couldn't get a break! He might as well have lied flat on his face rather than getting up. Rukia certainly wasn't moving an inch, as the raven haired Kurosaki buried her head beneath her hands and waited for the second round.

"…AT MY OTP!"

"Eat this bitch!" Is it ironic, that after 15 years of surviving Bleach, he was going to die by the hands of a crazy unstable fan? Ichigo Kurosaki certainly thought so. 15 years of fighting hollows, Arrancars, and diabolical Quincy's only to be done in by a five foot psychotic IchiRuki fan. _Embarrassing_. As he dived to avoid the spray of bullets, he couldn't help but shout to the petite raven haired woman at his side, "We're gonna die!"

What happened after that was a complete blur for the two assistants. As it turns out, Alice's petite frame could not handle the kick from the machine gun either. The first round was barely discharged when Alice keeled backward from the force of the spraying bullets.

"Shit!" Mai had to plaster herself to the floor to avoid the machine gun's rampage. What she didn't count on was her head colliding with the metal pipe in her duffel bag, effectively knocking her out.

It would take five minutes after the shrill cry of the Gatling gun halting for Ichigo and Rukia to dare poke their heads out from their hands.

At last…

Strawberry and his wife were finally alone. Well, as alone as they could be with two temporarily unconscious psychotic people nearby.

Ichigo looked at his wife. Rukia stared back at her husband.

"….."

"….."

…

CLLLLIIINNNGGG!

Alice groaned as she sat up, eyes slightly unfocused from all the damage her brain took.

Funny, she thought she had heard a scuffle of feet and then the door to the store clinging shut. But that couldn't have happened, Mai had locked the door.

Lifting her head, Alice managed to catch the lasting dust imprint of two figures that ran for their lives so fast, they left a cloud picture.

Did her OTP just leave?

Three Weeks Later…

Shoppers on the street couldn't help but stare at the spiky blond haired young man striding down the street with a pink haired girl in tow. What caught the attention of these shoppers were the whiskers on his face, stretched into a wide grin.

"Hey! What about that!" pointed the blond loud mouth as he stared at a brand new looking store. "It's got bunnies! That'll definitely piss him off, believe it!" The pink haired girl just rolled her eyes as she followed her fiancé into the Chappy Store, missing the worried glances bystanders were giving them. There was a reason why people stayed as far away from that store as the street would allow…

"Hey I heard about this sore! It was all over the Bleach community forums. Hmmm…can't remember why though…" the pink haired girl said to her fiancé as he held the door open for her.

Little did Naruto Uzumaki and Sakura Haruno know, they were about to be introduced to Alice and Mai, the two assistants of the Chappy Store.

And worst of all, they were about to find out what it means to be stuck right in the middle of shipping wars.

…

Disclaimer: And I also do not own my beloved Naruto. That right belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Just to Let You Know: I really hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I had fun writing it! To be honest this was supposed to be a very light and VERY short one-shot, but somewhere along the way it developed a mind of its own. So if managed to insult or offend anyone, sorry! Plus I tweaked something's that in actuality would be impossible and downright dangerous (Im talking about weapons). I wasn't so sure about publishing this but the person I wrote it for insisted I do, so read and if you want review! Constructive criticism is vastly appreciated. Flames will be ignored, so please don't bother.

P.S: If you fell in love with Kazui and Ichika than this wasn't the fanfic for you. I don't mind them, but I feel like they were there only to validate their parents' relationships, as cute as they were though!


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